June 11th, 2007
The Wages Of Sin Are Death…
… but the wages of cheating are punctures.
Inbred clusterfuck. Photo © and courtesy Simon Barnes
I arrived late at the start for SSUK 2007 and had only made my way halfway down the field to the Braveheart horde of singlespeeders when Shaggy finished his beer and shouted “GO!”
Stopping only to adopt a fencing pose and give two fingers to the rest of the race I turned tail and ran for my bike. Gosh, doesn’t a quick start make a difference. Dropping places already I counted myself as 15th into the second corner, and then once the technical singletrack started the pace eased but the trail ahead was reasonably clear rather than the usual argey-bargey of tail enders that is my usual position. Even the sound of the singlespeeder on my tail disappeared in a cry of distress, rapidly followed by the sounds of front wheel wash out, body hitting tree, general mayhem, then only blissful silence as I stuck to the wheel of the guy in front.
My come-uppance happened just halfway into the first lap when I got a puncture. I’d packed a 26" innertube but not put it in my seatpack, and the 700cx22 left in there - coff - just wasn’t going to fit in fat semi-slicks. So I settled down to fixing punctures the singlespeed way, viz, get out the patch kit.
Puncture fixed the tyre still wouldn’t go up. Another exmination revealed another puncture. More patching. Still no inflation. Damn! In the end I gratefully accepted the tube that Rich had been offering me. By this time the leaders were on their second lap and coming round again already, so I just took the opportunity to ride some fine dusty singletrack with a shit-eating grin instead of a race-face grimace.
Beer during the race and barbecue afterwards then one of the funniest after race prize-presentations I’ve seen - “Latest start goes to dR j0n, still asleep in his tent with one lap to go” - made this a year to remember. Whoever steps into the shoes of Mel and Shaggy to organise 2008 will have a tough act to follow.
As for me, with confessions of cheating and external assistance I expect my name to be struck from the 2007 winners list*.
Oh…
Cheat! Photo © and courtesy Rich
* There are no results. You know if you either won or lost. The rest of us must face up to middle of the pack anonymity/mediocrity.
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