Elbow, meet bonnet

I’m the first to admit that correlation doesn’t imply causality, but I rather think that Road Safety Analysis Ltd. missed a point when they published their latest Child Casualty Report linking child poverty with road accidents. Topping the list of worst places for kids is, no surprise to those who ride bikes there, Preston.

A combination of pathological road design* and shit driving is more to blame. I went for my first two road rides at the weekend since the knee op. For the first I headed into South Ribble. 40 minutes local loop. No issues.

For the second ride I rode into Preston. What a difference.

• A lorry pulled up alongside me while I was in the cycle lane. Then flashed a car to reverse off a shop forecourt into the road in front of us. What about me and my right to continue my way safely? You haven’t even seen me have you. Cock.
• The car that the lorry had flashed out paid attention only to the lorry headlights, not the fact that there was still a cyclist oncoming in the cycle lane. Cock.
• Heading downhill on the dual carriageway at 30 keeping up with traffic a fat bitch tried to overtake just before the dual carriageway ended. She got alongside before realising that she wouldn’t be able to finish the move. Once there was room to pass her equally fat passenger felt it appropriate to hurl abuse from the window as they went past. Annoyed at being slower than a bloke on a humble pushbike. Get over it love. I may not be the slimmest bloke on a bike, but you’ll be dead of a heart attack before you reach my age fatty.
• The classic overtake then turn left manoeuvre. Cock.
• A woman in a pointless suburban SUV pulling out of a side road to my left onto the dual carriageway didn’t stop at the white line, until she, not her bumper, was level with it putting three feet of SUV bonnet into my path. All the while looking to her left – where there is precisely zero traffic coming from. Because it’s a dual carriageway. When she did eventually look in my direction she never even acknowledged me, looking straight up the road past me, not even taking me in as she scanned only for things as big as cars.
• A young lad on his mobile phone pulled out of a side road in front of me. Cock!
• A guy overtook against double white lines on a blind brow, so close I could feel his wing mirror. Some satisfaction as the shout of Cock! through his open window made him jump.

Preston drivers are the reason we have gun laws in this country, because if you shot every fucktard on the roads it would soon be a ghost town.

* Lancashire has well respected guidelines for cycling infrastructure design. The problem is that it doesn’t bother following them itself.