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Please note that your choice says as much about your cultural references as it does about my ‘tache.

The month formerly known as November.

The Week Before

Arrange a group ride with friends. Venue and time sorted by internet, phone and text. Weather looks dodgy, and on Friday night it is howling winds and pissing rain, but we’ve arranged and committed, so it’s on.

Saturday Morning

Alarm goes off.

Damn, time to get up. Please, just another half an hour under the duvet. Is the weather bad enough to sack it off?

No.

Crawl out of bed. Shower feels horrible on tingling skin. Tea restores mood.

Get shit together. Why is something always lost until the last moment? Turns up cleverly hidden where it wouldn’t be forgotten. That worked then.

Meeting in a pub car park. Not everyone’s here yet so there’s time for a quick snifter while people arrive.

Thirty or so eventually turn up. It’s going to be nearly as busy as a Bogtrotters*, except these hardy few who have turned up are the regulars who have the skills.

Time To Ride

Eventually the clock reaches the allotted time and we saddle up. If you’re late, you’re left behind.

What follows is two hours of tech riding, with friends, port, hipflasks, gate stops, crossing country at speed, enjoying the obstacles.

The shitty weather eventually calls a halt to proceedings and we regroup and ride back together to the pub.

Sort out mounts then into warm dry clothes. Pile into pub for beer and hot soup and chips and post-ride natter.

So far so Calderdale group ride.

Except this is in the Vale of Lune near Lancaster, and we’re on horseback.

My Other Hunter [image copyright and courtesy Hooves-R-Us]

Ever since I started going out on horse I’ve noticed the similarities, and the differences, between the two hobbies.

Socially it’s very similar, as I hope the tale above has shown. A group of friends out to enjoy an adrenalin sport together accompanied by booze and banter.

However when it comes to suffering those with “all the gear and no idea” many mountain bike group rides lack a certain ruthless streak.

This is Not The Bogtrotters

When it comes to skills, the horse riders take no prisoners.

Going out in groups of thirty would quickly deteriorate into a Bogtrotters ride – a large group ride where everyone pads up to ride off kerbs, and pushes up them – if the hunters weren’t ruthless about skills. If you can’t keep up then tough shit, you’re left for dead (quite possibly) to find you own way round then try and catch up.

It’s not snobbery or elitism, just the practicality that if you had to wait for the tail-end charlie at 24 gates you’d not get anywhere. And I speak as a tail end charlie wherever fitness is concerned.

When I started horse-riding I was one of those who was left behind. The incentive to not have to find alternatives, get off, open a gate, close the gate, get back on, try catching up, wonder where the fuck they’d gone (which is quite often out of sight by now) then try jumping in now slippy boots, then miss 10 minutes of hipflask time was what I needed.

Learning a few skills goes a long way. If you’re going to blow thousands of pounds on a mountain bike – and considerably more than I did on the horse above – then you might want to consider investing in some training rather than relying on technology and gadgetry to compensate. Throw yourself into black runs and ride with people who are better than you. Maybe even try racing. It’s not “real mountain biking”, but then neither is pushing up everything.

Don’t be satisfied with mediocrity on your bike.

Immerse yourself and learn some skills.

* If you don’t know them ‘Bogtrotters’ has become a dirty byword for large group rides of incapable mountain bikers who need to pad up to push the ups. Quantity over quality is their byword.

[image copyright and courtesy Philip Diprose]

Several friends have completed the Dunwhich Dynamo and always have epic tales of, well, chafing mainly.

I suspect that some of them are suspects in setting up this exhibition of photographs by Joe McGorty. Nip along – ha, Lahndoners only, provincials need not apply – to the Pebbledash Gallery and you also get to pick up an early copy of The Ride Journal, Issue #3.

The rest of us will have to make do with the post or visits to stockists such as Sideways Cycles.

I have just been reminded that I need to add the most excellent XXC magazine to my delicious bookmarks.

Issue 4 is out now and includes articles on the Three Peaks and the Kielder 100.

Spot The Bike

The Guardian Camera Club assignment for September is cycling related.

Show them what you can do.