M-Frame

Mumbos
Best. Ever.

I’ve gone a bit mental with a wide, short focal length lens and some natural light this afternoon. These are the best Oakleys ever. Fact.

I can still remember the day I bought these. Cycling home in the pissing rain having trouble with my contact lenses. I mean absolutely horrible heavy downpour with grit and road dirt being flung up at my face from the road. I stopped in a cycle store on the way home and bought these to protect my eyes for the last fifteen miles.

That must have been 15 years ago and despite the small crack in the top of the frame these are still my cycling glasses of choice. The orange tint adds a cheery demeanour to even the greyest days.

I didn’t get to photograph the spare lenses, the even older M-Frames back home (the ones with the mirrored Heater lenses ahem) the broken Sub Zeroes, and the Blades and Razor Blades and Eyejackets that appear to have disappeared, or the broken Minutes, the prescription e-wires, oo’s, or Flawless.

If you’ve been wearing Oakleys for years and have lost them and just want to reminisce, you could do worse than visit the Glasses at a Glance page at o-review.com.

Ride entry, 21st October

Bike: Spot
Distance: school and sweet shop

Spot BrandOn Wednesday after sorting out the farrier I had to pick up my nephew from pre-school. Time being tight I rode from the stables to the school, then walked him home from there. He was disappointed that I had a bike (even though I was wheeling it), but he didn’t.

One of the great things about not having your own kids, but having nephews and nieces is the chance to spoil them, have fun with them, but once they are sufficiently wound up hand them back. In my role as wicked uncle I have already bought my nephew a Scoot, which he loves.

Earlier this year we bought a trail-a-bike. He was terrified until he actually rode it, but he wasn’t quite big enough to fit it comfortably. Since then he’s grown a little, and it was arranged with his mum that on Friday I’d pick him up from pre-school with the trail-a-bike.

What a hit.

Not only did we ride home, we had to do three laps of the houses, and then Kirsty suggested that we ride to the shops. Now the shops are only a brisk 5 minutes walk away, so off we went. The shops are also up the hill in the village. Kirsty came along too and all I could hear behind me was an excited child chattering away about how he was the best at pedalling and to go faster. Coming back down the way he was screaming at me to go faster and we had to race Kirsty home the last two-hundred yards with me feathering the brakes to make sure it was a dead heat.

He’s now planning how he could get to his dads in the next village with me carrying his bags on the handlebars.

Singletrack no more

Due to the repetitive and samey nature of Singletrack magazine lately I didn’t even bother to let my subscription lapse, but have actually put in the effort* of cancelling it.

There are only so many articles on Dave A practically inventing bivvying that I can stomach, and frankly I was reading less and less of each issue as it arrived, and only noticing that it was still waiting to be read when the next issue turned up.

I have also had a long standing annoyance at the discrepancy between the words and deeds of the Director of Flowery Wank**.

The first example which wound me up was an exhortation to the rest of us to cycle commute more and go green. This, presumably, was to compensate for the massive carbon footprint he generates going on fact-finding trips to the Arctic***, or taking a parcel to Sweden (we don’t have post or couriers to Scandinavia, apparently), or driving around Europe to pursue a leisure activity. Hey, don’t try and make me feel guilty because running your car on chip fat doesn’t get you the green equivalent of papal dispensation. That just pisses me off.

It next came to a head with the anti-racer article in issue 50. In particular contradictory criticism of racers as dull, yet exhibiting “frat boy boorish behaviour”. This latter was rich coming from someone involved in an incident where a firework was launched towards the family campsite at a large race at 2am in the morning. I have since been corrected – as I, alongside 2,000 other people, was in my tent trying to sleep so didn’t witness the actual incident – that the launching of the firework was the act of two other people. At least one of these others has been man enough to admit it was “stupid and childish” behaviour. Other people, cough, are more belligerent. In which case I don’t expect them to get uppity when I point out the discrepancy between their words and their deeds.

Fortunately, having been held around the throat by an irate parent, Dave appeared to give up going to races after this, which meant the end of his bullying hecklerphone. Now I too have occasionally used a hecklerhone at races, but seeing as other people have tried to take the credit for my witticisms I like to think I have used it with more panache.

Anyway, back to Issue 50. I originally thought that Dave had been writing for effect, in which case it had worked, as they got another article out of it from a pissed off racer in Issue 51. The best reaction to my own words comes when I am writing for effect rather than out of actual belief. For instance I once made a throwaway but deliberately incendiary forum remark about “wide bars being skill compensators”, which was especially effective at revealing those who pigeon hole me as an XC jey-boy and haven’t seen me racing and riding on wide riser bars since at least 1997. The fact that I was merely repeating the caption from an even older Jo Burt cartoon was lost on them.

“What are we here for but to make sport for our neighbours and laugh at them in our turn”, as Jane Austen perceptively wrote.

But back to Singletrack. Both of the times up I pointed out the discrepancy between words and deeds people said I should make the effort to speak or otherwise engage with Dave to get context first.

The problem with that is that Daves words and actions are public, being as they are published in the aforementioned popular MTB magazine and witnessed by many at events across the land. If everyone who noticed this disparity between public behaviour and public writing – not that I suspect many people do – had to “email him and get the facts before discussing it” his inbox would be, well, probably the same size it is now. But you get my point. I hope. He should live and die**** by the public persona he creates.

Well I’ll be fucked if I’ll pay for the privilege of receiving a magazine that at least used to inspire a response, even if it was irritation, but latterly has become a shelf-filler. Enough is enough. Singletrack lost a subscriber.

The problem is this. In Issue 69 they only go and interview someone with the most interesting ideas on bike and component design around at the moment. If I’d had the patience to wait until my subscription lapsed I’d have been able to get an insight into his OCD.

In this case it is I who has been hoist by my petard.

* OK, so writing an email is hardly exhausting

** his title, not mine

*** Really. You couldn’t make it up. Admittedly this trip wasn’t in a Singletrack capacity. But, come on! I suspect he comes from that cloth of Green that merrily expends CO2 on our behalf to scare us about how bad it is if we don’t change our behaviour. How selfless. Now my own carbon footprint isn’t small – I’m a Westerner for a start – but I hope not to preach about it. Please let me know if I do.

**** Not literally. It’s a figure of speech. I just thought that in this day and age that might need making clear.

Dusk Til Dawn 2011

Bike: Hunter
Distance: 7 laps, about 76 miles
Result: 26/191

HunterIt took me ten years of racing before I finally achieved a podium place. That was back in 2002, getting 3rd place on the Dusk til Dawn podium in mixed pairs, achieved in no small part to having a wife that was a similar speed as I was on a bike.

We repeated the feat in 2003. Since then Dusk til Dawn has been one of those races that occurs miles away. This year, having moved, we live a whole lot nearer, and this was definitely on my to-do list. Kirsty now has priorities, so I was going to have to do this all by myself.

The BBC weather forecast was for a dry night with patchy rain. Could they have been more wrong. It was raining with two hours to go, and continued to rain throughout. I joke about liking bad conditions because more people will quit. Was I about to be hoist by my own petard?

Let the chaos begin
Let the chaos begin

The lead out was fast, but relaxed. Then into lap one. The trail was still nice and dry in places, especially in the trees. I didn’t remember Thetford being this flat. We used to joke it had a thousand feet of climbing per lap, in six inch whoops. Sure there were some climbs, but they didn’t feel steep. Some sections of trail I definitely remembered as uphill from years gone by, but they were definitely easier this year. Home run I’m thinking of in particular. I spent much of the first two laps drafting other solo riders, then once I had my breath back overtaking and sprinting to the next glow-stick.

My game plan was to go out with the NiteRiders and an awesome 10 watts of power then switch to my Lumicycles and their all night staying power, but only 5 watts, once I knew the course. Unfortunately due to a slipping USE alien seatpost clamp which I was having to fettle after each lap I completely forgot to switch lights after lap two. Cue brown out after two miles into lap three. Arse biscuits. My backup light, a Blackburn Voyager 3.3 pushes out a nice white light, but a very narrow beam. Not good for seeing round Thetfords corners. Still, there were plenty of people who had such bright lights I could hold their wheel and see where I was going. Thanks to the guys with the skulls who got me to Tom’s pit.

It was also very apparent as the course started to get wet that some of the team riders were out of their depth already. After holding the wheel of one guy in full waterproofs on the section between Helter Skelter and Howes Pit, with quite a queue building up behind us I might add, we finally reached a section long and wide enough for me to get past safely avoiding his wobbles. “On your right” I warned him. I was gobsmacked at both his response and the tone. A sarcastic, “If you’re fast enough”. Well, frankly. Fuck you Very Much. Thank goodness for riders like him that the trail still known as the Beast of the East* was replaced by the tamer Double Shock for this race.

One niggle on these early laps was a continually slipping seatpost head, a years old Alien from USE. By the end of this lap it was practically off the rails at the back, and either it had to be fixed or I was out. There was an Exposure tent in the main arena. Was it too much to hope they’d be carrying Alien spares? When I came in from the lap, I told Kirsty where I was going, and headed straight for the Exposure tent. The blokes behind the desk answered my query about Alien spares by slapping a new 3mm single bolt design onto the desk and sending me to the bike wash. Once I was back they even fitted the new clamp. Now that’s what I call service. No more excuses for long pit stops though!

By this time I was definitely detecting some climbs on the course. I settled into more of a long haul ride rather than race pace. There were less wheels to chase, and early leaders were now starting to lap me. The solo tent was getting emptier every time I returned. Either riders had had enough and fucked it off, or were in some kind of dazed and confused “what the fuck am I doing to myself/my bike” camaraderie. Food, drinks and tips for survival were being shared about. What had to be beaten was the course not your comrades. Finishing was a goal in itself.

Lap six was my last lap in darkness. By now there was definitely uphill on the course, and entire sections I was having to stand for. New lakes had appeared, which I definitely would have noticed if they’d been there earlier seeing as they were pedals deep. Riding lap seven I was finally able to place the sections of course relative to my old reference point of Mayday Meadow. Quite without intending to I finally finished at three minutes past 8. No lurking required.

My forks didn’t work. My brake pads were down to the metal. My bottom bracket was making horrible noises that I am hoping is a graunchy chain and not new bearings required. I’m fairly sure that if I’d had gears they’d have broken.

There were 191 entries in solo male.

156 started, or at least completed one lap. I managed 26th.

21 completed the 12 hours. Out of these I managed 12th.

There is no category for niche wanky singlespeed old giffers. I’m hoping I’d have had a podium place if there were.

Post Race
12 years older in just 12 hours

* If you’ve ridden the beast of the east you’ll know that the beast in question is a mildly annoyed squirrel.

Ride entry, 2nd October

The post-dude reappearance ride

Bike: Spot
Distance: 1 hour 30 minutes
Playlist: Unplayed in the last four months

Spot BrandThe rescue cat, dude*, who hadn’t been seen for four nights turned up this morning at 7am. I was alerted by the shovel nosed cat noises as he troughed all the food he could inhale. He has since slept, stolen a whole chicken breast, and slept. He was tired, thin and wet. He’s currently asleep, dry, and rotund. I have a theory that he disappeared to travel through time to the return feast.

Click to view on flickr
It’s just a little prick

In the intervening days the family had put up posters all around the village, and over the fields and woods and into the next village. I have spent hours walking round the woods and fields. I didn’t discover the missing cat, but I did discover the abandoned jump spot, and some nice potential singletrack. Today, as the posters are no longer required, I used the bike to get round a little faster to remove them all. And to check out the singletrack potential. There isn’t a great amount of it, but I could probably put together ten minutes of trails just 400 yards from home. Just need to get out there and ride them so that they get some definition.

So good news all round really.

* you can call him El Duderino if you’re not into the whole brevity thing.**

** Yes it is.